Post Op Blues

So, I'm a little over twenty-four hours removed from my surgery, and here's where I stand:

I'm not supposed to lift more than ten to fifteen pounds for the next four weeks. I'm not sure how this is going to go; I mean, I've filled plates of food that weigh more than ten to fifteen pounds--just ask anyone who's seen me at a cookout. Of course, my appetite's due to take a nosedive in the upcoming weeks, so maybe it's just as well...

I completely lack the flexibility (without screaming, that is) to put on my socks.

I found out last night that I have a total of three positions for sleeping: Hurts, Also Hurts, and Yep, Still Hurts. Now you may rightly ask, "Didn't they give you any pain medication?" to which I would reply, "Yes. But here's the thing..."

At this point we're about to venture, possibly, into TMI territory, so if you're of delicate temperament, you might want to stop reading here. I suppose I could stop, too, but when you've got cancer, you're pretty much allowed to say whatever the hell is on your mind. People are forgiving that way.

So, the pain pills. They have a pesky side effect. They can constipate.

And in my current state, that would be...well, it would not be a good thing.

Basically I'm dreading going to the bathroom if I have to exert any kind of force. I've tried a couple of times already, and when gravity hasn't kicked in, I've lacked the fortitude to help it out a little. It basically hurts like hell, even with a pillow pressed against the incision on my lower pelvis.

But really, to even get to that point of chickening out is pretty draining. That is, I first need to execute the once-simple act of sitting down on the toilet. To do this, I have to grip the sink with my left hand, grip the handle on the shower door with my right, and s-l-o-w-l-y lower myself until I'm about six inches off the toilet. Then I move first one hand and then the other to the toilet seat and complete the lowering process. Oh yeah, the whole time I'm wincing and sweating. It's only been a day, but I've already forgotten what it's like to get on a toilet without thinking about it.

So please, if you're reading this, the next time you sit down on the can with relative ease, whisper a little thank you. Because it might not always be so easy.